


close your eyes and pretend

by chattoyant



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, Bad Decisions, Drama, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Lots of Crying, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Pining, References to Depression, Romance, Suffering, Unrequited Love, banana fish is over and im making myself suffer more than i already have, help me, post-Banana Fish, pre-GoL, this is a cry for help, yoshida broke into my house and gave me depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-21
Updated: 2018-12-21
Packaged: 2019-09-24 03:28:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,958
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17093189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chattoyant/pseuds/chattoyant
Summary: Sing knows he’s going to burn someday, knew it the moment he saw Ash in the coroner’s office. Knew it the moment he had to tell Eiji of what became of him after he left for Japan.The guilt eats at him and keeps him awake every night. This is his fault. This is all his fault why Eiji is hurting so much, why he doesn’t allow himself to be truly happy.Maybe burning in hell would be a small price to pay for the sin of taking away all that mattered to the person he loves.Six years after Ash's death, Sing finds himself falling into something he can never crawl up from.





	close your eyes and pretend

**Author's Note:**

> merry christmas everybody : )  
> credits to @pwbyuuri for suffering together with me as i wrote this fic  
> thank u very much for ur contribution i wouldnt have thought of writing this without your ideas : )
> 
> im suffering

The light is soft and warm against his face.

 Ash’s golden hair flutters in the gentle breeze as the tall grasses and trees sway in time to its breath. Everything is strangely peaceful. Quiet, almost, except for the sound of leaves rustling in the wind.

“Isn’t it supposed to be snowing today?” Eiji asks as he watches the sunlight filter through the treetops into tiny golden slivers.

“Yeah.” Ash stares up at the dancing canopy of twisting branches and leaves that hung over his head. “But it’s beautiful, don’t you think?” His lips curl into a heart-wrenchingly beautiful smile as the sun shines against his eyes, the emerald of his eyes a deep and clear pool Eiji can sink into.

“Yeah.” Somewhere in the corner of his eye, a songbird settles on a branch and fills the air with its singing. “But….where do you think this place is?”

“Does it matter where we are?” Ash smiles at him, the look on his face oddly tranquil.

“You’re right.” Eiji smiles back at him and rests his head against his chest. “I don’t think it matters wherever we might be in the world.”

_Just as long as I’m with you._

He listens to the quiet music under his chest—beating, breathing, _alive._

A few more birds settle on branches to sing from the treetops.

“I wish it could be like this forever,” Eiji sighs softly as Ash runs his fingers gently against his hair, his nails scraping soothingly against his scalp.

“Forever is a big word,” Ash muses. “The only thing that lasts forever in this world is change.”

“Not even the universe?”

“Not even me.”

“Ash?” The singing of the birds grow shrill, the cacophony of noises ringing against his ears as the wind whips around them violently.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t go to Japan with you, Eiji,” Ash smiles at him sadly as blood slowly trickles out of the side of his mouth. “I’m sorry I couldn’t be your forever.”

“No, this can’t be it!” The sky grows dark now as angry black clouds hurl hail like bullets into the ground. “Please don’t go!” Eiji wraps his arms tightly around him as if loosening his grip alone could let the world take him away from him.

“You don’t have to go to Japan with me!” Eiji cries out as the tears in his eyes burn against his cheeks. “It’s what you said earlier, right? It doesn’t matter where we might be! We can go anywhere we want in the world!”

“I’m sorry Eiji.” A cough seizes his chest and he sputters out blood. So much blood. Eiji clutches at the Ash’s side to stop the bleeding. “I don’t think I can go anywhere at this point,” he laughs bitterly.

“You don’t have to go anywhere, Ash!” He frantically presses his hand against the wound at his side to no avail. His blood gushes through his fingers and spills into the ground. “You don’t have to go anywhere…” The sound of his sobbing gets drowned out among the birds’ shrieking. “Just stay with me, please…”

“Please forgive me, Eiji…” A tear slips down his cheek as Ash closes his eyes.

“I love you.”

 

When Eiji wakes up in a cold sweat, it’s to the sight of Sing smoothing out the creases on his blanket. “The same dream again?” Sing asks like usual, the look on his face marred with quiet concern.

“The same dream again,” Eiji takes his face in his hands and breathes out between his fingers.

 At this point, it’s already become routine for Eiji to wake up to the same recurring dream over and over again. It’s been six years now since Ash had gone from this world.

His thoughts of him however, haven’t gone away from his mind. Eiji thinks they never will. Maybe there _is_ such a thing as forever asides from change.

“I’m so sorry you have to go through all this trouble because of me,” Eiji huffs self-depreciatingly. “I’m sure you have a lot of things to deal with by yourself too.”

“Trust me, you’re no trouble at all, Eiji,” Sing smiles at him sweetly as he gives him a pat on the shoulder.

“By the way, are you hungry?” Sing helps him out of the bed. “I’ve already made some breakfast for you.”

“I’m starving,” Eiji laughs. “Thank you, Sing.” He smiles back at him as he picks up his glasses from the nightstand and puts them on.

“It’s no problem, really.” Sing’s cheeks turn a faint shade of pink as he crosses his arms in front of his chest. “Come on, let’s eat before it gets cold.”

“Right.” Eiji nods as they head out of the room together.

 

“Is there anywhere you’d like to go today?” Sing asks over a mouthful of breakfast as Buddy wags his tail expectantly under the table. Sing throws him a sausage and the dog scarfs down on it happily.

“I was thinking of going to the Christmas fair tonight if it’s not too cold out,” he quietly nibbles on a piece of bacon.

 “It’s a date then!” Sing says with a wide grin on his face.

“A date?”

Sing nearly chokes on his food as his face burns red-hot. “I m-m-mean, I think it’s great we’re going to go somewhere together, just the two of us!”

“Right,” Eiji laughs as he hands him a glass of water, the look on his face utterly unconvinced.

“Thanks,” Sing downs the glass of water quickly in one gulp and slams the glass a little too hard on the table. “Anyway, I’ll go wash these first before heading out.” Sing gathers his plate and utensils and heads to the kitchen.

“Oh? Where are you going?”

“I just have some business to attend to,” he gives him a tight-lipped smile.

“Oh, I see.” Eiji sighs in understanding. “Please be careful, okay?”

He nods at him.

“I will.”

* * *

 

“So? Why did you call me all the way here?”

“Oh, it’s nothing,” Yue-lung takes a sip from his cup of tea. “I just wanted to see you, that’s all.”

“It’s never nothing with you,” Sing huffs. “So what is it really?”

“I see you’re still looking after Eiji Okumura,” Yue-lung looks him over with a scrutinizing gaze.

“What’s it to you?” A servant offers to him some tea but Sing quickly denies the offer.

“Just what is he really worth to you, Sing?” Yue-lung lets out an exasperated sign as he sets down his cup on the table. “That Eiji Okumura, just what is it in him that makes people want to protect him?” He pinches at the bridge of his nose in distaste. It was no secret just how much Yue-lung hated Eiji.

 “I just don’t understand.”

“Perhaps someone like you never would.” Sing understands perfectly well why Yue-lung hates Eiji so much. Where he had resentment, Eiji had love in his heart that made Ash have someone worth fighting for.

“What did you say?!” Yue-lung jerks from his seat furiously and knocks the cup off the table.

“The truth,” Sing breathes deeply. “I don’t think someone like you will ever understand love when all you surround yourself with is hate.”

“Be quiet!” Yue-lung slams his fist angrily against the table. “You of all people would never know what it’s like!”

“You’re right. I don’t know what it’s like.” Sing gets up from his seat and looks at Yue-lung dead straight in the eye. “And you don’t know what it’s like to love someone either.”

“Wait…” The look on Yue-lung’s face morphs into that of amusement. “Are you in love with Eiji Okumura? Is that what you’re trying to say?”

“Sing, are you out of your mind?!” Yue-lung erupts into laughter. “What good is he to you, even? You know he only has Ash in his heart.”

“I know that.” Sing curls his hands tightly into fists at his sides. “I can live with that.”

 “Ash loved Eiji. He wanted nothing more than for him to be safe. I’m merely respecting his wishes.”

“What good is honoring a dead man’s wish when you could be doing something else worth your time?”

“I wouldn’t be granting his wish if he wasn’t dead in the first place!” Yue-lung flinches back a bit when Sing raises his voice at him.

“I know what you did it to Lao.” When he walks towards him, Yue-lung, slowly backs away from him like a threatened viper. “You manipulated him into killing Ash like the venomous snake you are!” He places a hand on his chest and pushes him away, sending him falling to the floor.

“Master Yue-lung!” A servant hurries towards him to help him up.

“Shorter, Ash and Lao…” His eyes burn heavy with tears as his heart begins to seize up in his chest. “The people I care about are gone because of you!”

Yue-lung stares back at him wide-eyed and at a loss for words as Sing stands before him.

“Eiji is the only one I’ve got now.” A tear rolls down his cheek as he glares at him with an angry fire in his eyes. “If you ever think of hurting him, I swear to god…”

Without a word, Sing storms out of the room and out of his sight.

“Where do you think you’re going?” Yue-lung yells at him. “We’re not done here yet!”

“Where the snakes aren’t.”

 

Sing wipes the tears from his face as the cold air stings at his eyes.

 _“He’s right.”_ He breathes out a puff of smoke into the air. _“What was I thinking?”_

The moment he developed feelings for Eiji, he knew it was game over for him. There’s no way anyone is going to ever take Ash’s place in his heart. Let alone himself, for that matter.

 _“It’s a weight I’m willing to live with.”_ He looks down, the cold pavement just as frozen as the possibility of Eiji ever returning his feelings for him.

_“Just as long as he’s happy.”_

_“But what about me?”_

When Sing makes a turn to the left, he bumps into someone he didn’t expect to see during the time of day.

“Eiji? What are you doing out so early?”

“I just wanted to take Buddy around for a walk,” he chuckles and the dog lets out a little bark.

“Oh, I see.”

“Sing?” The look on his face morphs into that of concern. “Your eyes look red. Are you alright?”

“Oh yeah, I’m alright,” he rubs at his eyes with the back of his hand. “Just something to do with work.”

“I see.” Eiji looks less than convinced. “Do you want to talk about it over coffee?”

“I’m sorry, Eiji, it’s just that…” Sing sighs. “It’s something I should talk about when I’m ready. I’m up for some coffee, though.”

“That’s good enough for me.” Eiji beams him a smile that could melt all the snow around him.

(And his heart.)

 

“Do you have any plans for Christmas?” Sing asks him over a hot cup of coffee as they watch a movie on TV while seated together on the couch.

“Not really,” Eiji takes a sip. “I was thinking of just spending it alone here like it’s just any other day.” When Sing catches the faint note of sadness in his tone, his heart only breaks all the more for him.

“Then…” Sing’s lips curl into a shy little smile as his blood rushes to his cheeks. “Would you like to spend it with me?”

“You’d do that for me?”

“I-It’s not just me too! There’s Max, Alex, Kong, Bones and the rest of Ash’s gang too!”

“That’s so many people,” Eiji laughs into his mug. “I’ve never had so many people come over here before.”

“There’s always a first time for everything,” Sing grins. “Christmas is just a few days away. We should start getting ready as soon as possible if we want to make this work.”

“Sounds like a plan to me,” Eiji beams at him. “Let’s go shopping in the Christmas fair tonight for some presents for everyone.”

“And let’s do the decorations too after that’s finished.”

“You’re really excited for this, aren’t you?”

“Of course I am!” Sing crosses his arms as an even deeper blush crosses his face. “It’s my first time planning something like this after all.”

_“And with you, for that matter.”_

“This sounds so exciting!” Eiji giggles. “I haven’t been this excited to do something ever since Bones, Kong and I put pumpkin-related stuff for Halloween just to get at Ash.”

“Ash…” The smile on his face falls and his expression takes on a quiet, somber look. “I’ve…never been able to celebrate Christmas with him.”

“Do you miss him?” Sing takes a seat beside him and wraps an arm around his shoulders. When Eiji instinctively leans into his touch, Sing makes no note of the butterflies that flutter in his stomach.

“I miss him all the time,” he sighs, the weariness in his face going well beyond his years. “I never got to tell him how I felt about him. I guess I never will,” Eiji chuckles bitterly. “I wish he was still here with us.”

“Do you still hate Lao for it?” Sing runs a soothing hand against his shoulder.

Eiji purses his lips for a moment as if contemplating something. “Hating him won’t bring Ash back.”

_Nothing will._

“Eiji…” His heart aches for him.

He will never let anyone else in his heart like he did with Ash.

“If there’s anything you need from me, please…don’t hesitate to tell me.”

“You’ve already done so much for me though,” he curls his lips into a smile that’s barely there. “Thank you, Sing.”

“Of course.”

_It’s because I love you._

“I wouldn’t still be here without you, Sing.” Eiji sniffles as his eyes glaze over with unshed tears.

“You mean a lot to me.” When Eiji reaches out to ruffle his hair, Sing swears he could feel himself falling deeper in love with him. “Thank you. For being with me.”

“Anything for you.”

He takes Eiji’s hand in his and squeezes it tightly. When Eiji laces his fingers around his, Sing feels something painful prickle in his heart.

Hope.

* * *

 

“Really? Ice cream in the dead of winter?” Sing looks at the mint chocolate chip cone Eiji offers him.

“Why not? The cold makes it taste even better.” Eiji giggles when he takes the cone. Sing takes a lick and raises a brow in approval.

“See?”

“I guess you were right.” Sing directs his attention to the ice cream as he carries several shopping bags on one shoulder.

“Did we buy gifts for everyone?” Eiji scrolls down at the list on his phone to make sure he got everything covered.

“Well, we haven’t bought anything for Bones yet but I do have something in mind,” Sing snickers behind his cone.

“And that would be?”

“Dentures,” he snorts. “Poor guy’s missing a lot of teeth.”

“Now that’s just mean,” he bonks Sing on the head. “You know he’s very conscious about his teeth.” When he pulls his arm back, Eiji breaks out into a chuckle.

“What? Is there something funny?”

“No, it’s just that…you used to be so little when I first met you,” he laughs. “But now, you’re so huge!”

“Well, a lot of time _has_ passed since then,” Sing smiles at him. “And your hair too. It looks way different from when I first met you.”

“Ah, I haven’t really had any thoughts of having it cut. Does it look alright?” Eiji pinches the end of his ponytail between his fingers.

“You look great.”

The look in Sing’s eyes was something Eiji couldn’t quite place.

“You look great too,” Eiji smiles back at him warmly.

“Anyway, I was thinking we could get new clothes for Bones. It’s getting colder recently so I think he’ll appreciate it if I got him something warm to wear.” Sing trails beside him as Eiji walks towards a clothes shop.

“I think anyone would appreciate getting anything from you, Eiji.”

“You compliment me too much,” he lets out a little snort as he waves it away. “I think I should at least get something for the people in my life.”

As they make it towards the clothes shop, something catches Eiji’s attention from the corner of his eye. He turns around and sees a familiar head of golden hair in the distance.

_It can’t be._

Without thinking twice, Eiji makes a run for it.

“Hey, Eiji! Where are you going?!” Sing runs after him while he weaves through the crowd, unmindful of the people he’s bumped along the way.

“Wait!” He calls out as he runs after the golden-haired figure. “Ash!”

He turns around, and Eiji is greeted with the face of a stranger.

_Of course._

“I’m sorry, but you must have mistaken me for someone else,” the stranger excuses himself before walking off to mind his own business.

“Eiji?” Sing walks to his side and places his hand on his shoulder. “Is everything alright?”

“I thought…I thought I saw…” His breath comes out as heavy and ragged as he clutches at the empty feeling inside his chest.

“But…it can’t be.”

“I know.” A soft sobs rips through his body. “I know that. It’s impossible but I just thought that by some miracle, he…”

Before he could say anything else, Sing holds him close to his chest and wraps his arms tightly around his trembling form.

“I know, Eiji.” He whispers to him softly as he runs his fingers soothingly against his hair. “I know.”

 

“Do you need any help with that?” Sing calls out from the living room where he’s busy decorating.

“Yeah, I could use a little help.” Eiji takes out the cake from the oven and sets it down on a rack to cool. “The mixer’s broken so I need someone to whisk the frosting.”

“Someone with big strong arms?” Sing peeks his head into the kitchen playfully.

“Yes. Someone with big strong arms,” Eiji laughs. He hands him an apron and when he puts it on, Eiji thinks it rather suits him.

Sing gets to work whipping the frosting while Eiji works on the rest of the food. With the party just hours away, there was a lot to do around the house. After whisking for several minutes, the frosting has fluffed up into the right airy consistency.

“Great job!” Eiji takes the mixing bowl from him. “Your arms must be really tired from all that mixing. Why don’t you go rest for a bit and let me handle things from here?”

“Well, if you say so. I’ll go take care of wrapping the presents.”

“Wait, you have something on your face.” Eiji spots a bit of frosting on the corner of his lip. “You’ve been sneaking to taste some for yourself while I wasn’t looking, have you?”

“I…may have,” Sing chuckles like the red-handed frosting criminal he is. “It tasted really good though.”

“I’m glad you think so.” Eiji reaches his hand up to swipe the frosting from his lip with his thumb before giving it a taste. “You’re right. It _does_ taste good.”

When he looks back up at Sing, he swears he can see his face burning with the strength of the sun for some reason.

“A-Anyway I’m just goingtotakecareofthepresentsnow.” Sing bolts out of the kitchen red-faced to wrap some presents up.

Eiji can’t help the little laugh that escapes his lips.

For some reason, Sing reminds him a lot of Ash.

 

“Merry Christmas, everybody!” Bones raises up a glass of beer high up into the air as the clock struck twelve.

“Merry Christmas!” Everyone cheers in unison and take a big gulp of their drinks.

“Wow Eiji, you really outdid yourself this year, huh?” Max gives him a slight nudge at his side as he sips at his glass. “Michael seems to really like the new baseball you got him,” he laughs heartily.

“Well…” His gaze travel to the far end of the room where Sing, clad in a sweater Eiji made for him, plays with Michael. When his eyes fall on Sing, he can’t help the soft feeling that stirs in his chest. “I wouldn’t have done it by myself, after all.”

“Well I guess we all need a helping hand sometime.”

“By the way, how are things going with you and Jessica?”

“Well, things are getting better, for one.” Max smiles fondly into his cup before taking a sip. “We still fight from time to time but we haven’t gotten along this well since…forever,” he laughs.

When Eiji feels a slight surge of jealousy swirl inside him, he doesn’t let it bother him.

“It’s great to see people getting together because of love.” He curls his lips into a soft, sad smile. “I only wish I could have something like that again.”

“Are you…” Max gives a hesitant pause, the look on his face that of pity, almost. “Are you still not over Ash?”

“I don’t think I ever will be,” he laughs drily and takes a gulp of his beer. “That doesn’t mean I haven’t tried though.”

“I’ve seen professionals, took medication and had people who care about me encourage me, but…” He furrows his brows together as he feels his heart constricted by the weight of his grief.

“No matter what I do, I keep thinking about what it would be like if Ash came with me to Japan away from all of it.” He sighs. “But then I guess there’s no use moping about it now.”

When he stares out of the window, he sees his own weary face reflected back at him.

“I don’t think anyone will ever love me the way Ash did before.”

“You wouldn’t be so sure about that.” Max smiles at him faintly before he looks softly at the sight of Sing and Michael playing together. “I’m sure someone here loves you very much.”

“You think so?”

“I know so,” he grins and nudges Eiji playfully on the side.

“Anyway, keep your chin up.” He gives his hair a ruffle. “It’s Christmas, after all. Wouldn’t want to be all gloomy during this time of the year, would you?”

“Well I guess you’re right about that,” Eiji giggles. “Merry Christmas, Max.” He holds out his glass in front of him for a toast.

“Merry Christmas.”

_Clink._

* * *

 

“Have you given something for Eiji yet?” Alex asks Sing over a slice of cake.

“No, not yet,” he picks at the cake with his fork as he feels the tiny box weigh against the pocket of his jacket.

“Don’t tell me you didn’t get him anything?”

“Well, I did get him something.” When he eats the cake, the image of Eiji wiping the icing from his face and licking it comes to mind. Sing turns as red as the Christmas ornaments hanging on the tree. “I’m just waiting for the right moment to give it to him.”

“Are you finally going to confess to him?” Alex smirks, an eyebrow quirked upwards.

“C-C-Confess?!” Sing nearly chokes on his cake. “What makes you think I’d confess to him?!”

“Come on, Sing,” Alex sighs. “It’s painfully obvious.” 

“What do you mean?!”

“I mean what I mean,” Alex says cryptically before returning his complete attention back to the cake. “This cake tastes really great.”

“Of course it does, Eiji made it after all.”

“See what I mean?” Alex lets out a snicker as he gives him a knowing look.

“I can’t believe you,” Sing huffs and rolls his eyes, red-faced as he gets up and walks away from him.

“Oh, believe me.”

With his heart, giddy and his face burning, Sing heads to the kitchen. He sees Eiji standing before the counter serving up portions for everyone. The box in his pocket immediately feels a thousand tons heavier.

“Hey there.” He manages a shy little smile.

“Hey.” When Eiji meets his gaze, his eyes practically sparkle under the fluorescent lighting. “Do you need something?”

 _“You,”_ he almost ends up saying.

“W-Well you see…” He begins breaking out into sweat as his hands and feet go cold with trepidation. “I have something I want to tell you.”

 _“This is it, the moment of truth,”_ he tells himself mentally. There will be no going back from here on out and god knows how Eiji could possibly respond to him.

“Yeah?” Eiji immediately stops what he’s doing as his eyes glisten with interest. When he curls his lips into that sweet faint smile, he imagines what it would be like to kiss it.

“Eiji, I—“

“Look who’s under the mistletoe!” Alex peeks his head into the kitchen, the smirk on his face wide and sly.

When Sing’s soul returns to his body, he looks up and finds some mistletoe hung on the ceiling.

“Oh.” Sing’s face burns inhumanly hot.

“Oh.” Eiji giggles, his cheeks turning a faint shade of pink.

Everyone immediately turns their heads towards the scene in the kitchen and the air slowly fills up with the smell of intrigue.

“You know what you gotta do,” Bones snickers behind his hand. “Whoever stands under the mistletoe has to kiss!”

“W-What?!” Sing feels conflicted, not knowing whether he should be happy or embarrassed that he and Eiji have to kiss in front of them. “Why should I kiss Eiji?!”

“Come on Sing, you gotta do it,” Alex, the absolute traitor, cackles. “We don’t make up the Christmas rules here, sorry.”

Everyone starts whistling and cheering around them.

“Well, I guess a little kiss won’t hurt.” Eiji smiles at him shyly, his beautiful brown eyes framed by a faint dusting of pink.

The noise in the room immediately increases to a thousand decibels.

“W-What?!” Sing feels his heart practically straining to break free from the confines of his rib cage.

When Eiji places his hands on his shoulders and stands on his tiptoes, the noise gets drowned out by the sound of his heart beating erratically in his chest.

Eiji’s lips are soft and warm against his cheek. When he pulls away, he suddenly feels an emptiness in his heart he hadn’t thought had been there before.

“There.” Sing feels his soul leave his body and ascend to heaven when Eiji smiles sweetly at him. The ghost of a kiss on his cheek still burns warm against his skin. “So, was there something you wanted to tell me?”

“W-Well, I—“ Sing places his hand in his pocket and clutches at the box tightly. It will have to wait. “I just wanted to say that…I really like the sweater you made me,” he manages a shy, awkward smile. “It’s really warm.”

“I’m glad,” he giggles. The commotion around them slowly dies down as everyone continues to direct their attention to something else. “You look really handsome in it too.”

“T-Thank you.” Sing almost forgets how to breathe around him. “Anyway, I’m going outside for a bit.”

“Alright.” Eiji returns to serving up some food. “Don’t stay out for too long or you’ll catch a cold!”

“Yeah, I will.”

Sing makes his way out of the kitchen and pushes through the snickering crowd of people on his way to the front door.

“You better thank Bones,” Alex chuckles into his glass.

“You traitor,” Sing fumes and storms out of the house.

When Sing falls face-first into the snow, he swears he can hear his burning face sizzle.

 

After the party was over, everyone left to head back home and spend Christmas in their own way. Eiji, on the other hand, decided to spend it drinking to his heart’s content until he fell asleep sprawled out on the couch. When Sing makes a move to lift him off the couch, Eiji stirs from his sleep and blinks at him slowly.

“Hiiiiiii,” he giggles drunkenly as Sing places his arms over his back and legs and carrying him to his room.

“Eiji, you drank too much,” he scolds him as he places him on the bed gently. “You know you shouldn’t drink too much. They interfere with your meds.”

“What…?” Eiji slurs as he rolls himself over in a drunken heap on the bed. “What meds?”

“ _The_ meds.” Sing helps him sit up on the bed as he lifts his sweater off of him.

When Sing pulls the drawer open to get some pajamas for him, he notices something at the bottom of it. When he takes a closer look, he sees fourteen white pills gathered together at the bottom.

_An entire two weeks’ worth of dosage._

He grabs the pajamas and quickly pushes the drawer shut.

_“Eiji hasn’t been taking his medication for the past two weeks. But why?”_

“Heey Sing,” Eiji leans himself against the headboard. “Look, I have so much scars on my body!” He lets out a drunken laugh as he looks at the marks that marred his skin.

Sing wishes he could kiss them all away.

 “See, this is the one I got from when I Shorter slashed me.” He points at a long, diagonal scar that runs across his stomach. “Oh, and this one too.”

Sing sits at the foot of the bed, his lips pursed tightly as Eiji runs his fingers against the outline of his scars.

“I got this one when I was shot.” Eiji huffs as he points at a puckered scar on his shoulder and on his belly. “I also got this one from when I vaulted over that wall when me, Ash and Skipper were being chased,” he laughs almost fondly.

“Oh?” Eiji raises a curious brow as he looks at his wrists. “I don’t remember getting these.” He runs his fingers against the fine scars that ran horizontally across his wrists. “Do you know where I got them, Sing?”

“Please, stop it,” Sing finds himself saying when tears cloud his vision and his breath catches in his throat.

“Stop what?” Eiji’s smile is painfully sweet. “From showing you my scars?”

“Please…” Sing pleads, the tone his voice almost desperate. The sadness inside him holds his heart in a vise grip and crushes it between its cold, ghostly fingers before letting its pieces fall into the darkness.

It hurt him to see Eiji like this. Hurt him to see just how much the person that brought so much light to his life be shrouded in darkness out of his own grief. He deserved the world. He gave without asking for anything in return and yet…Sing wishes that Eiji could let himself be selfish, even if it was just for a little while. He wishes he could at least lighten the burden in his heart so he can feel what it’s like to be free again.

Sing’s mind flashes back to the meds in the drawer. His chest constricts in realization.

Eiji won’t allow himself to be happy.

_“But why?”_

Without a second thought, Sing wraps his arms tightly around Eiji and sobs into the embrace.

“Please stop hurting yourself like this,” he cries out, his voice trembling as his hands shake against his back. “You deserve so much more than this…”

“I’d do anything for you.” Eiji suddenly falls silent. “You’ve done so much for everyone already, Eiji.”

“You’re kind, warm and beautiful.” Sing finds himself stroking his hair gently as tears run down his cheeks. “You make everyone feel at ease just by being around them.”

“Everyone loves you, Eiji.”

_“I love you.”_

“You have no idea just how much you’ve made everyone happy. How you’ve made Ash so happy.”

Sing hears Eiji’s breath hitch as he tenses up beneath his touch.

“You know…” When Sing breaks the embrace, he sees the wavering look in Eiji’s eyes. If he looks close enough, he swears he can see stars in them. “I may not have known Ash like you did, but…he always looked relaxed when he was around you.”

“He was a great leader and a skilled marksman. But when he’s around you, he was just a regular boy.” He smiles at him faintly. “You meant so much to him that he was finally able to be himself again.”

“He opened up his heart to _you,_ Eiji.” Sing takes his face in his hands, cupping it gently as he cradles the sun between his palms. “He always thought about you before anything or anyone else.”

A single tear slips from Eiji’s eye.

“I just…” Eiji sobs softly. There was no sound more heartbreaking to him than to hear him cry. “I just wish…he thought about himself that time.” He shuts his eyes tightly and takes a sharp breath as his shoulders begin to tremble. “Stupid Ash.”

“He could have asked for help but he didn’t.” He buries his face against his chest as his body wracks with sobs. “He chose death instead of me…”

“Stupid, stupid Ash!” He grips at the fabric of his sweater tightly between white-knuckled fingers. “Why did he have to die?! Why didn’t he allow himself to ask for forever when I could have so easily given it to him?!”

“’I won’t ask for forever, just for now,’ my ass!” Eiji screamed. “I’m so angry. I’m so angry at Ash, I’m so angry at myself!” When Eiji looks at him, he has the look on his face that Sing would never want to see on him again—desperation.

“We could have done so much things, together, Sing…” he sobs softly, his face red and wet with tears and snot. “It’s been so long…and yet my heart still feels so empty.”

Sing knows for a fact that Eiji will never let anyone else in.

“It’s like the world is telling me that I don’t deserve to be happy.”

“You know that’s not true,” Sing tells him softly. “Every single day that you wake up every morning, it’s the world giving you another chance to be happy.”

“It wasn’t your fault, Eiji. None of it was.” His lips curl into the faintest of smiles as he sees that light he loved so much return to his eyes. “I’m sure…that even in his final moments, Ash was happy because his last thoughts were of you.”

“You…do you really think so?” Eiji sniffles and wipes at his tears with the back of his hand.

“Yeah,” he nods at him. “I’m sure, that wherever Ash might be right now, he wouldn’t to see you beat yourself up for something you didn’t do.”

“He loved you more than anything else and I know he still does,” he smiles at him faintly as the own fog in his eyes starts to clear up. “I’m sure he’d want nothing more than to see you happy.”

“But…it won’t be so easy,” he sighs.

“You have me by your side. I’ll always be right there whenever you need me.”

“Thank you, Sing…” Even with his eyes red and puffy, Eiji always looked the most beautiful when he smiled. “You don’t know how much this means to me.”

“Anything for you.” He grins at him as he gives his hair a playful little ruffle.

At his insistence, Sing helps Eiji into his pajamas despite him saying that he can put them on perfectly fine by himself. After he makes sure Eiji takes his meds for the day, he tucks Eiji in and wishes him a good night.

When the moonlight casts an ethereal glow against the delicate features of his face, Sing feels the irresistible urge to kiss him.

And so he does.

He leans in and gives him the lightest of kisses on his forehead.

He pulls away, and realizes just how deeply he’s gotten himself into the mess in his own heart. Eiji would never return his feelings.

 _“I can live with that,”_ he smiles to himself as he looks at Eiji’s sleeping face.

Just seeing him happy would be more than enough for him.

Lulled by the music of Eiji’s soft breathing, he slowly falls asleep at his bedside.

 

“Sing, look!” Eiji stares up at the sky in awe as fireworks shoot off into the distance.

When Sing looks up into the sky, the fireworks barely compare to the light he sees in Eiji’s eyes.

“It’s really a new year now, isn’t it?” Eiji chuckles softly as his breath comes out in puffy white clouds. “Have you made your new year’s resolution yet?”

“I didn’t bother to make one,” Sing shrugs. “It’s that thing everyone swears they’ll do but end up forgetting about them the day after New Year’s.”

“You’re no fun,” Eiji huffs. “Surely, there’s gotta be something you want to do this year?”

“Well….” His face turns red at the possibility of him declaring his love for Eiji. “Maybe.”

“I’ll tell you mine if you tell me yours.” Eiji presses his side against his as they sit on the snow.

“If it means that you’ll stop bothering me about it, fine, I guess,” he sighs. “This year, I want to be strong despite whatever life throws at me.”

“I want to be strong to accept things as they happen but most importantly….” When his gaze falls on Eiji, the look on his face is soft and warm. “I want to be strong for the people I love.”

“That’s a really beautiful resolution.” Eiji smiles at him sweetly. “As promised, I’ll tell you mine.”

“You don’t have to. It’s something personal, after all.”

Eiji shakes his head. “I thought I’d tell you because you’re a part of my life.”

_Oh._

 “My resolution for this year is to be happy.” For the first time in a long while, Eiji’s eyes shine with hope. “I want to have the strength to move on and allow myself to be happy.”

“Eiji, that’s…”

“It’s a bit silly, isn’t it?” Eiji quirks his lips up into a goofy smile.

“No, no, not at all.” Sing shakes his head as all sorts of warmth swirl in his chest. “I’m just really happy for you.”

“I wouldn’t have done it without you,” Eiji sighs as he leans his head against his shoulder. “It’s going to be a long ride, isn’t it?”

“Yeah.” He wraps an arm around his shoulders and pulls him in close as the cold wind blows through the porch.

He thinks back on his New Year’s resolution and feels a pang of pain on the certainty of rejection. He pushes the thought down into his stomach and thinks instead of long walks in the snow and sitting in front of the fireplace with Eiji. 

The tiny box he was supposed to give to Eiji on Christmas remains untouched.

“Long ride indeed.”

 

“….So come at the agreed time this Thursday and make sure to secure the shipment on time…” Yue-lung’s voice drones out as Sing’s mind run wild with thoughts of Eiji.

He thinks of his eyes, and how beautifully they glow like pools of honey when the sun hits it just right. He thinks of his smile, his sweet voice and the warmth of his hands—

“Hey.” Yue-lung bangs his hand on the table to snap him out of his senses. “Were you even listening?” 

“Sorry.” Sing straightens himself up on his seat. “You were saying?”

“I was saying you should secure the shipment when it arrives on Thursday,” Yue-lung sighs as he leans back in his chair.

A long pause.

“It’s Eiji again, isn’t it?”

“How long will you realize that he’ll never return your feelings?” He clicks his tongue in distaste.

“I don’t need you to tell me that.” Sing clutches his fists tightly on his knees. _“I tell myself that all the time.”_

“Nothing good can ever come out of associating with him.” He furrows his brows out of scorn for Eiji. “You’ve fallen too far in, Sing.”

_I know that. I don’t think I’m ever going to get out._

“Your love for him will be your weakness.”

Yue-lung’s words grate against his ears despite their truth.

“You’ve become so much like _him_ ,” he says with emphasis on the last word, knowing perfectly well how much he disliked being compared to Ash. “It makes sense, knowing how you looked up to him so much.”

“Your enemies will use it against you and twist you into doing things you otherwise wouldn’t have done.”

“Ash wouldn’t have died that day if only Eiji walked away from his life in the first place,” he says spitefully.

“And then what?” Sing clutches at his knees tightly to keep the anger in his heart at bay. “Are you going to twist someone’s mind and have them kill me?!”

“That’s not…!” Yue-lung flinches back a bit at the bite in his tone. “I’m only telling you the truth!”

“Are you so desperate to get rid of him that you’d use others out of your own bidding?!”

“I’m only trying to look out for you!”

“Looking out for me, my ass!” He swats at the objects on the table, sending them crashing to the floor.

“All that ever mattered to you making everyone feel as miserable as you.”

If Sing sees a trace of hurt in Yue-lung’s eyes, he doesn’t comment on it.

Yue-lung’s lip trembles ever so slightly.

“I just hope that someday…” Sing takes in a deep breath and wills the fire in his veins to cool down.

“That someone will love you enough to stop you from destroying yourself.”

When a silent tear slips from Yue-lung’s eye, he sees a glimpse into his heart.

 

“Sorry.”  Sing hisses as he cleans the bullet wound on his shoulder.  “You really should have been careful,” he mumbles like a doting mother.

“More like _you_ should be careful what you’re poking at.”

“You should’ve hurt your mouth instead,” Eiji grumbles as he rolls his eyes. Sing yelps in pain when Eiji pushes the cotton ball a little too hard against his wound. “Seriously, you’re just like Ash!”

Sing feels a faint pang of hurt.

“He didn’t even thank me when I patched his wounds up for him, that ungrateful guy!” Eiji huffs as he covers the injury with a gauze pad and wraps it up with a bandage.

“Thank you, Eiji.” He smiles at him. “For looking out for me.”

“Finally, I get some recognition around here,” when Eiji laughs, it’s the most beautiful sound he’s ever heard.

“Hey Eiji.”

“Yeah?” When Eiji looks his way, his eyes are soft and tender, a sweet golden pool he can drown into and never come back from.

“There’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you for a long time.”

His throat feels dry. His heart beats erratically against his chest as he hears his own blood rush wildly in his ears.

“Yeah?”

Sing takes a deep breath.

_“This is it. The moment of truth. No turning back now.”_

“Eiji, I love you.”

Suddenly, the seconds seem to stretch out into hours as silence hangs thick between them. When Eiji draws away from him ever so slightly, a burst of pain shoots through his chest.

“Sing, I…” His lips quiver ever so slightly. “I’m sorry.”

“Sing, I love you too, but…” Eiji tear his gaze away from him, the expression on his face too taken aback to even look at him directly in the eye. “I think of you as my family…”

“I can’t return your feelings. Not now,” Eiji says softly as if treading lightly on eggshells.

 _“Not ever,”_ Sing supplies himself.

_Of course._

_“What was I expecting?”_

His mind races through a thousand thoughts per minute as his heart takes the full blow of his rejection. He always knew this would happen. Knew what Eiji would have to say about his feelings the moment he fell in love with him.

He always knew what his answer would be, what the look on his face would be like and how much his heart would hurt at his rejection.

He prepared himself for this the moment he thought of ever confessing his love for him. He jumped off a building, knowing that he will eventually hit the ground.

He knows that he will break, _expected_ he would break and yet he hit the pavement all the same and shattered his heart into a million pieces.

“I understand.”

He has to.

He shuts his eyes tightly as he swallows back the sobs that threaten to escape his throat. He wills himself not to cry and yet tears stream down his face all the same.

“I understand,” he repeats himself as if saying those words over and over again would somehow take the pain away. He wipes his eyes with the back of his hand and immediately puts his shirt and jacket back on.

“I understand.”

It was stupid of him to ever think he would make it with Eiji.

Stupid of him to ever hope he could have a place in his heart.

He walks towards the entrance and twists the knob open.

When Eiji doesn’t say anything, he feels a sob escape his lips.

Sing shuts the door behind him.

* * *

 

For the past four weeks, it was just Eiji and Buddy inside the house.

He hasn’t heard anything from Sing for the past weeks after his confession that night.

“This is Sing. Leave a message after the beep.”

He sighs.

His calls always go straight to voicemail. It was too optimistic of him to even think of Sing answering the phone when he’d been doing anything but for the past weeks.

“Hey Sing,” Eiji starts out, his voice almost meek and soft. “I haven’t heard anything from you for a while.” He worries his bottom lip between his teeth as if he was talking right in front of Sing himself.

“You haven’t answered my calls or responded to my texts and…I’ve gotten really worried about you.”

He assures himself multiple times that Sing was just avoiding him and yet his mind always goes back to Ash and he worries himself over and over again if something bad happened to him.

_“I hope he’s just ignoring me.”_

“If by any chance you’re listening to this right now, please…” He pushes the ugly thoughts out of his mind “I just want you to know how sorry I am for hurting you that night.”

Later that night he goes to sleep with Buddy at the foot of the bed to keep him company.

He has the same recurring dream again but one thing was different.

Where Ash’s face is supposed to be is Sing’s. He does all the things he does as Ash in his dreams. He smiles at him, runs his fingers through his hair, and stares back at him with cold, glassy eyes as he lies in a puddle of his own blood.

“Please forgive me, Eiji…” Sing cries out softly in a voice that sounds hauntingly like Ash’s.

“I love you.”

For the next few days, Eiji thinks about nothing but Sing’s blood in his hands and the grating noise of the birds. He’d gone to Sing’s house in Long Island to check up on him personally only to find that he wasn’t there at all. When he asked around about his whereabouts, he would get a tight-lipped answer in reply.

His thoughts turn ugly.

He thinks of Sing lying in an alley beaten up and bleeding to death. He thinks of seeing his body in the coroner’s office. He thinks of receiving a call from the authorities informing him of his death—

The phone rings.

Eiji’s throat goes dry and his breathing becomes labored.

 _“Is this Eiji Okumura?”_ he imagines the voice of an officer on the other line. _“I would like to inform you that Sing Soo-Ling is…”_ Static fills his ears. _“Please come to the coroner’s office so we can identify…”_

With cold hands, he takes the phone and presses the receiver against his ear.

He prepares himself for the worst.

“H-Hello?”

“Eiji.” When the voice on the other line belongs to none other than Sing, his shoulders immediately sag in relief.

“I…” Eiji almost breaks out into tears when his worst fears go unconfirmed.

 _“I’m sorry, I miss you, I want to see you,”_ he almost wants to say.

“I’m so glad you’re alright.”

“I want to talk to you in person,” Sing says. “Meet me at the Wonder Wheel in Coney Island at 6 PM.”

“Then, it’s a date?” Eiji finds himself saying.

A long pause.

“If you want it to be.” He senses a faint hint of hurt in Sing’s voice. “I’ll see you later.”

Sing ends the call and nothing but a long beep can be heard on the other line.

 

When Eiji makes his way to the ferris wheel, he immediately sees Sing among the crowd. It wasn’t hard to spot someone so tall standing beside the ticket booth. When Sing spots Eiji coming towards him, his lips curl into a faint, tight-lipped smile.

“Hey.” Eiji feels the urge to embrace him but decides against it.

“Hey.”

“I already got us tickets.” Sing holds them up in the air for him to see.

When the ride operator opens the gate, the both of them step in along with other people. They get inside a carriage and quietly seat themselves beside each other before the door shuts automatically. When the ride begins to move, they watch the people below slowly turn tinier and tinier as they ascend higher.

When they get to the very top, he sees a magnificent bird’s-eye view of the island bathed in golden sunlight. When he sees the light glittering off the ocean, it’s as though all the weight in his heart had been left behind on the ground.

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” Sing breaks the silence as he looks out the window with a faint smile on his face. Eiji nods in agreement. “They say being in high places really make you feel relaxed.”

“That’s true,” Eiji chuckles softly as he watches every street and corner on the island teeming with life. By the shore, he sees two lovers sitting against the sand and watching the waves rise and fall in time with their hearts. On the ground below, he watches a girl hugging her father after he brings her some cotton candy.

New York is full of life, with all kinds of people living out their own lives in their own ways and meeting others whose lives can never be more different than theirs.

This was Ash’s city.

They were two people from different races and different backgrounds and led different lives. And yet, their paths crossed all the same and changed each other forever in the short time that they knew each other.

“Hey Eiji.” Sing’s voice breaks him out of his musings.

“Yeah?”

“Did you know that the gravity on the moon is 1/6 of the Earth’s?” He blurts out of the blue.

“No, I didn’t.” He laughs softly. “Where is this coming from?”

“I know you have a lot weighing on your heart lately,” he begins. “I know that you’re hurting from all the things that happened…” He purses his lip tightly as draws his brows together anxiously.

“I know I can’t take you to the moon. I know it sounds childish, but…” He chuckles as he runs a hand through his hair. “I just hope that even if it’s just a little…that the weight in your heart can be lightened a bit.”

“That’s…” Somehow, Eiji can’t help the smile that finds its way on his face. Throughout the weeks that they haven’t seen or heard from each other, he forgot just how terribly endearing Sing can be. “That’s really sweet of you, Sing.”

“Look, Eiji I…” Sing makes a move to place his hand atop Eiji’s but pauses halfway to meet his eyes. When Eiji gives his consent, he takes his hands almost too tenderly in his. “I’m so sorry for what happened that night.”

“I acted too rashly without even thinking about what you must have felt.”

When the ride stops at the very top, everything goes silent.

“I know that must have come as a shock to you.”

“To be honest, I’ve always had this suspicion.” He looks down at his hands in Sing’s, too ashamed to even look at him directly in the eye. “I couldn’t believe it at first, but then…”

_“I’ve seen the way you look at me. The way you take care of me. The way you remind me so much of him.”_

For the past six years, there was no one but Ash in his heart. Six years after his death, he thought about nothing but the precious time they spent together, the look he gave only to him and the way the loved each other more than anything else.

Ash Lynx, no, Aslan Jade Callenreese was his first love.

And quite possibly his last.

And yet somehow, there was no denying the way he felt when Sing embraced him, laughed with him and stayed by his side after all this time.

It wasn’t love. Or at least he thinks it isn’t.

Eiji feels like he’d be betraying Ash if he ever felt something like that for someone other than him.  

When he looks at Sing, the look on his face is that of quiet shock.

“I guess hearing it directly from you was…a lot more different than what I expected it to be.”

“Are you angry?”

“No.” He shakes his head. “You can’t help what you feel for others, after all.”

“I guess people were right about you.” The look on his face almost looks pained as he smiles at him. “You have that special power about you that makes everyone feel at ease.”

“No wonder Ash loved you so much.”

For some reason, Eiji finds that his cheeks are wet.

“I miss him,” he sobs out softly. When Sing wraps his arms around him, he eases into his embrace and buries his face against his chest. “I think about him all the time.”

“Ever since he died, I…” He curls his fists tightly against the fabric of his shirt as his eyes fog up with tears. “I’ve been so afraid to ever find myself caring about someone just as much as I cared about Ash. I’m afraid that the more I care about someone, the more I’ll find myself grieving when they’re taken away from me.”

There wasn’t a single moment in his life Eiji didn’t wish he took Ash’s place instead. He would have died that day from that bullet wound if it meant that Ash could have a chance at living after all the hell they went through.

“That’s why, when I didn’t hear from you for a long time…I started to think that something bad happened to you.”

“I don’t want to lose you, Sing.” He presses his face against his chest even tighter as if it will ground him to this moment forever and keep each other safe. “You’re the only one I have left.”

“You know that’s not true,” Sing says with a slight tremble to his voice. When his fingers stroke gently against his hair, Eiji feels like he could sink into the familiar feeling. “You have Max, Ibe, Buddy and the rest of Ash’s gang who care about you.”

“I know that, and yet…” His breath hitches in his throat. “Everyone that’s ever come into contact with me…Skipper, Shorter, Ash…they’re all dead because of me.”

“Maybe if I just hadn’t come to New York in the first place, none of this would have happened.”

“Then everyone wouldn’t be who they are now if it wasn’t for you coming here.” Sing’s voice almost sounds too gentle for someone like him.

“Ash led a painful life. He didn’t even get the chance to even live a normal life but with you, Eiji, he allowed himself to hope for something again.”

“He found someone that he loved and who loved him in return. Everyone who gave him something either asked for something in return or left him alone to fend for himself but you, Eiji…”

When the light shines against his face, Eiji thinks he looks oddly like someone he knew.

“Even when you got shot that day, all you thought about that day was how glad you were that Ash was safe.”

“You were just the one he needed to ever feel what it’s like to be Aslan Jade Callenreese again instead of just Ash Lynx.” Sing curls his lips into a faint, soft smile that goes right through his heart.

“I’m sure that even up to now, he’s eternally grateful that you came into his life.”

“Then, Sing…” Eiji purses his lips into a tight line as tears roll down his cheeks in big, fat drops. He buries his face against his chest again and wraps his arms tightly around him. “Will you stay by me?”

 “Of course.” Sing runs his fingers gently through his hair, his touch warm and gentle as the sun setting in the horizon. “Forever, if you need me to.”

 _“Forever is a big word,”_ Ash would say in his dreams.

When Eiji closes his eyes, he can almost imagine the red dusk shine through green eyes and golden hair.

Sing holds him tightly in his arms and buries his face against his hair.

When he whispers something Eiji can’t hear, he feels something warm trickle against his head.

 

“You know, Shorter always used to take me there when me and Lao got into a fight,” Sing says as he nurses a warm cup of tea in his hands.

“He would always take me to the same ride and when I got on and looked at the view, I forgot why I was even mad at him in the first place.” He chuckles fondly at the memory. “I guess you could say all that baggage was left behind on the ground and just disappeared as the ride went higher.”

“You were escaping the force of gravity,” Eiji laughs softly into his cup. “I guess today I did, too.” He smiles as the faintest of pink dusts his cheeks and the bridge of his nose.

“Thank you, Sing.” Eiji smiles at him. “For taking me there today.”

“

No problem.” He smiles back at him faintly.

“You know…” A strange sort of warmth begins to stir inside his chest. “It’s weird, how I get so used to having you around that when you’re gone for a long time, it just…feels strange.”

“I missed you, Sing.” Eiji squeezes his hand gently in his. When he meets his gaze, Sing’s eyes are warm and tender and familiar.

“I missed you too, Eiji.” When Sing cups his face softly, he leans in the space between them and presses a kiss against his forehead.

When Sing pulls away, he feels a strange sort of emptiness he hadn’t even thought was there before.

Without knowing it, his eyes suddenly well with tears.

“E-Eiji, I’m so sorry.” Sing almost looks hurt when he backs away from him like he’d been burnt. “I-I should have asked for your permission first…”

“No, it’s not that,” Eiji shakes his head. He blinks the tears out of his eyes and places his hands against his shoulders. “It’s just that…”

“Sing…” He immediately becomes acutely aware of how different his own voice sounds.

Sing stares back at him, his eyes blown wide with surprise as Eiji inches closer towards him.

“Is it okay if I can be selfish just for this night?”

“I’d do anything for you,” Sing whispers almost tenderly as he brushes a stray hair off his face and tucks it behind his ear.

“Do you mind if we…” Eiji almost swallows his words back when he sees hesitation in Sing’s eyes. “Do you mind if we kiss?”

When Sing pauses, Eiji sees a glint of hurt flash in his eyes.

“No.”

He closes his eyes and Eiji closes the space between their faces as their lips meet awkwardly in the middle. The kiss is awkward, sloppy and inexperienced. He breaks away from the kiss every so often to look for some sort of confirmation in Sing’s eyes.

He nods and the space between their lips immediately disappears.

Eiji brings his lips against his. Again. And again. And again.

As he throws his arms around his neck, his hands find themselves clutched tightly onto his hair. If Eiji shuts his eyes tightly enough, he can almost see himself running his fingers through golden threads.

When Eiji tilts his head to the side, Sing takes his face in his hands and kisses him back deeply.

Eiji parts his mouth open and their lips lock against each other like puzzle pieces that are not meant to fit together.

Sing knows why he’s doing this, knows perfectly well why Eiji is doing this.

And yet none of it matters.

It doesn’t matter who Eiji thinks he’s kissing, it doesn’t matter who he’s thinking about while his eyes are shut tightly. Not when the person he loves the most finally looks at him with the eyes of someone who wants him.

Sing slips a hand underneath his shirt, his fingertips running against the heated expanse of skin as they drink in each other’s breaths. Eiji shudders under his touch, his lips parting open as he lets out a soft, contented sigh.

When the flames of passion burn higher, Sing pulls away lest he be consumed by them. When he looks at him, he sees a look he thought he’d never see in Eiji’s eyes.

“Eiji…” Sing breathes out softly in the tiny space separating them. “Are you okay with this?”

 _“Are you okay with me? Are you okay with pretending that he’s me?”_ he almost wanted to say.

“Are _you_ okay with his?” His laugh almost sounds bitter through his bruised lips.

They both knew this is wrong. Knew that there is only hurting each other for price of intimacy.

“Yeah.” A tear slips from his eye as he brings their lips together. He can pretend to be him for as long as Eiji wants. When Eiji kisses him back, he feels his tears mingling with his own.

When Eiji hooks his legs around his waist, Sing carries him to the bedroom without ever breaking away from the kiss. With trembling hands, he hesitantly unbuttons his shirt, stopping midway to wait for his consent.

Eiji gives a weak nod, the look in his eyes perfectly giving away how wrong all of this is.

Maybe in another world, this wouldn’t be so wrong and Eiji would look at him for who he is rather than someone else. But then dreams can only stay dreams. He tells himself to be thankful for just even having a chance at tasting Ash’s share of love.

Eiji winds his arms tightly around him as kisses a heated trail from his lips and down his chest, littering his skin with marks and bruises as if that will ever make him his.

“I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you,” Sing whispers desperately between kisses like a sinner in church praying for salvation.

It’s all so stupid. He prays to God, to any deity that might be listening to save him from ruining himself. Every kiss, every touch of the hand and every prickle of hope that shoots through his heart only leads him deeper and deeper into an abyss he can never crawl back up from.

Sing knows he’s going to burn someday, knew it the moment he saw Ash in the coroner’s office. Knew it the moment he had to tell Eiji of what became of him after he left for Japan.

The guilt eats at him and keeps him awake every night. This is his fault. This is all his fault why Eiji is hurting so much, why he doesn’t allow himself to be truly happy.

Maybe burning in hell would be a small price to pay for the sin of taking away all that mattered to the person he loves.

“I love you, Eiji,” he kisses him almost desperately in between sobs.

It hurts. It hurts so much to see the person who brought so much light into his life—Ash’s life hurting himself over and over again for the things that weren’t his fault.

“I love you so much.”

Eiji is silent underneath him, nothing more than a few quiet sighs leaving his lips as their bodies come together.

When he shuts his eyes tightly, he sees Ash’s eyes looking at him with all the love in the world.

“I love you.”

He hears Ash’s voice, feels his hands roaming around him and his lips kissing the life out of him. He knows that if he keeps his eyes shut long enough, the illusion will last so he can keep pretending to be in the arms of someone who’s already long gone.

But illusions are just that. Just illusions.

No matter how tightly he shuts his eyes, no matter how long he keeps them closed, all the things in his head will never come true.

He loved—loves Ash.

He loves him more than he’s ever loved anyone or anything in his life before. He saw in him quiet strength amidst the pain and suffering life has been cruel enough to put him through. In another life, maybe he can be with Ash again away from all the pain, blood and death in the world he was born into.

Maybe then Ash can truly know what it’s like to be free—to live in a world away where there’s no need for guns just to get by day by day. Eiji would wake up next to him, and then he’d ask him what he wants for breakfast. Then at night, they’d laugh at bad movies together and fall asleep beside each other. They’d be mundane people living mundane lives in a perfectly mundane world.

The room is quiet except for the sound of their breathing drowned out among the throes of pleasure. When he feels himself teetering at the edge of climax, he buries his face against the crook of Ash’s—Sing’s neck to muffle his moans.

This is all so wrong.

No one can replace Ash. No one, not in a million years can he ever find someone who touched his heart just as much as he did and yet he’s doing everything but that. His selfishness got the better of him and projected the face of a dead love on someone that cares deeply for him.

He wants to move on. He wants to allow himself to be happy and find love in someone else that isn’t Ash.

He keeps seeing him everywhere—he sees him in crowds, he sees him in that shrimp and avocado he liked so much, he sees him when the dawn shines through his window, he sees so much of him in Sing—

 _Sing._  

He lets out a loud moan despite himself as his vision explodes into white.

Eiji wrenches his eyes open only to see green staring back at him.

A sob rips through his chest.

“I love you…” Sing knows that his words are not meant for him and yet his heart stirs all the same.

Ash is never letting him go just as Eiji’s never letting him go. Not now, not ever.

“I love you too, Eiji…” he sobs softly as he embraces him tightly and buries his face against his hair. Maybe it’s alright, playing pretend like this just so he can feel Ash’s share of love. He will never take his place in his heart.

_“You’ve become so much like him.”_

Maybe Yue-lung was right. Maybe he _has_ become so much like him. But he will never be him.

Eiji will never look at him the same way he always looked at Ash.

It hurts and yet he deserves all the pain it will bring. It’s a small price to pay for all the damage he’s done and for the life that’s been stolen away because of him.

Even if it’s not real, even if Eiji will never love him, just as long as it means he can fill the hole in his heart, it’s more than enough. It’s a meaningless attempt from redeeming himself from the weight of his guilt when he knows he will never forgive himself for as long as he lives.

 _Sin, demon, guilt_ —Sing lived up to his name the moment the light in Eiji’s eyes died with Ash that day.

He wipes the tears away from his eyes and presses a kiss against his forehead.

When he pulls away, Eiji curls his lips into a faint smile that’s almost too painful to look at. Briefly, he wonders if that smile is meant for him or for Ash. Even if it was for Ash, he can always pretend it’s for him.

The two of them say nothing.

Sing pulls him close into an embrace and Eiji buries his face against his chest.

Eiji listens to the quiet music of his heart—beating, breathing, _alive._

When the gravity of the situation sinks in, they both realize there’s no coming back from what they started.

“Sing…” Eiji whispers quietly. He looks up to meet his gaze and sees brown.

“Are you…okay with this?”

Sing presses his lips in a thin, tight line.

“Yeah.” He brings the corners of his lips up into a smile but there was no hiding the guilt and pain that lay buried beneath his eyes.

He knows perfectly well how wrong all this is, how _selfish_ it was for him to even ask for something like this without even considering what Sing felt and yet a part of him _relishes_ in the feeling of being wanted, being needed and being loved all over again.

“Do you…do you want to stay like this?” Sing looks at him a little too tenderly than he deserves.

“Yeah.” Eiji shuts his eyes and buries his face against the crook of his neck. Perhaps for a little longer, he can allow himself to be selfish, even if it meant hurting the both of them. “It doesn’t have to be forever.”

“Even if it’s just for now.”

Sing remains quiet and a dead silence stretches out between them. When he doesn’t meet his gaze, his heart falters and sinks into the bottomless pit in his stomach. Before Eiji could take his words back, Sing squeezes his hand in his and leaves a kiss on his knuckles.

“I’ll stay for as long as you want me to.” He smiles at him, and yet there is no hiding the look of resignation on his face. When a sense of relief washes over him, he feels nothing but shame for himself.

 “Thank you, Sing.” When he pecks him on the lips, he thinks not of Ash but the person right in front of him. “For being with me.”

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

And yet there was more to his eyes than they looked. That look when you’re caught in a moment of hesitation and yet already knowing what it is you have to do.

Sing knows what he has to do. And it’s to make Eiji happy, despite the cost of his own happiness. But it doesn’t matter anymore. Not when the person that matters most in the world to him is right beside him.

He kisses Eiji good night and wraps his arms tightly around him. When Eiji smiles at him and tucks his head against the crook of his neck, it’s as if the already-broken pieces of his heart magically glue back together flimsily.

When he closes his eyes, something painful prickles in his heart.

Hope.

**Author's Note:**

> merry christmas everybody!!! : )  
> did i post this just in time for the finale????? i did!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
> for the longest time ever i've been wanting to make an angsty sing/eiji fic bc hey, banana fish is already painful by itself why not add MORE PAIN????? : )
> 
> ive never felt so dead on the inside  
> help me
> 
> pls feel free to scream at me in the comments or scream at me personally [@chattoyant_zee](http://twitter.com/chattoyant_zee)


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